Many nearlyweds picture their wedding ceremonies led by priests, rabbis, or justices of the peace—but there are so many more possibilities! On today’s episode of Wedding Secrets Unveiled!, Kathy Vass of Ever After Ceremonies joins us to explore the wide range of wedding officiants. From crafting elaborate, personalized ceremonies to understanding the only two legal requirements for marriage, Katherine shares her passion for tailoring ceremonies to each couple’s unique vision. We also dive into the best tips for having a guest officiant—a friend or family member new to performing weddings. No matter who you imagine officiating your big day, this episode is a must-listen!
Meet Kathy.
My name is Kathrine Vass. My company is Ever After Ceremonies, and I am a professional wedding officiant. I’m a justice of the peace in the state of Connecticut and I’m also an ordained minister with American Marriage Ministries. I specialize in completely custom written Love Story ceremonies, which means that when I meet with my couples, I really do a deep dive on them and their love story – not only how they met and all that good stuff in between, but what makes them tick as a couple.
So I’m very proud of the work that I do, and it’s been very exciting to have been doing this. What I feel is basically a calling for the past seven years. And I think the best review in the world is when I’ve done a ceremony and someone comes up after me and asks how long I’ve known the couple or if we’re family. Being able to say they hired me and that I helped create that makes me feel like mission accomplished – because I got to know them well enough that I can represent their voice during the ceremony.
That’s very nice. Not a lot of officiants take that angle, so it’s a unique approach to tailor your wedding ceremony.
Why do ceremony offerings differ from one officiant to the other?
Yeah, it’s a really interesting question. I think that’s the challenge for couples planning their wedding, right? There are so many choices. The short answer is that secular wedding officiants who are not clergy own and run their own businesses. That means everyone has the chance to decide what they want to offer. Some people become officiants, and they are fine with just doing quick little town hall weddings, and that’s it. Some, like me, want to do things that are much more involved and much more custom. I have colleagues that do the type of thing that they sort of write a handful of pre-written scripts. So, when their couples plan with them, they just like, here’s the script, and you get to pick which one you want. All of those are all unique choices. Each thing fits with what each couple needs and that’s how we tailor your wedding ceremony.
I have a quick funny story from a few years ago. I had a call with a groom and walked him through what I do. He said to me, “we were really just looking more for a wham bam, thank you ma’am kind of ceremony.” And I was like, “Okay, I might not be the person for you.” And, like, no judgment, right? That’s why there’s lots of options for different people. But that’s also why there’s so many different types of people and so many different prices. I think people start looking for an officiant and wondering why the prices are so big. You have to really look at what they are offering.
That’s a very good point too. We do this for a living and see the differences in our industry. But, for someone who’s doing this for the first time, you don’t know until you start researching.
Can you tell me a little bit about what couples should actually have in a wedding ceremony?
Yeah, I think that’s really interesting. Over the years of doing this, I’ve noticed that when people think of a wedding ceremony, they think of the justice of the peace in a black robe at the courthouse or the church wedding. They don’t realize that there’s options in between. If they’re not using a church and they have to invent their ceremony with someone like me, they’re like: what’s actually in it? I’m kind of surprised in the past couple of years, how many younger couples haven’t attended weddings together. I kind of joke that what they imagine in their mind is this visual of walking down the aisle and seeing your person. They imagine kissing and clapping and leaving for their reception, but they have no idea what happens in between – the guts of the ceremony.
So, I would say that most of the couples will tell me when I have a discovery call with them and ask what’s important to them in the ceremony – the bulk of them will say, “I don’t want it to be long and boring or too short.” And if they’re looking for something that’s more custom, they want it to be personal. They want it to have some personality, but in terms of anything else, they just need to be guided.
What are some other qualities that our couples should really be thinking about to make sure that they have a prepared officiant?
Well, for me, it’s all about organization. Good communication, good listening skills are important too. Not only between the officiant themselves and the couple, but between the officiant and the rest of the wedding pros that the couple has hired. I don’t know how you feel about this being a photographer, but when you have a team of vendors that are all working together, it just creates a much better experience. Everybody is looking after each other, everybody knows what to expect. It goes so much smoother. I think out of all of those things, to me, the most important thing is listening to the couple and standing up for what they want. It’s not about pushing your ideas or agenda on them.
Let clients choose their own ceremony content – and allow them to tailor their wedding ceremony.
If you tend to be a more spiritual person, then don’t talk them in. You shouldn’t be talking them into spirituality if that’s not what they want. My philosophy is that every bit of content in your ceremony should be in there on purpose and intentionally. It should be there to reflect and enhance and support who you guys are. So for example, there’s a tradition of adding readings to a ceremony, because that’s like a holdover from religious ceremonies or church ceremonies. And couples will say: “We need a reading”. We don’t know what to find. So I remind them that they don’t need one. If you’re really struggling to add an element, then kick it out. It doesn’t belong and it shouldn’t be there. There should be nothing in the ceremony that has guests wondering why you’re doing it. There should be nothing in the ceremony that makes a couple feel uncomfortable.
Don’t talk your couple into reading their own vows if they’re introverted people. I tell my couples all the time that I’m here to give them all the options. I will tell you about rituals and readings and everything, and you will not hurt my feelings if you say you don’t want to do something. In the end, we’ll put together something that represents you. That’s what’s most important to me.
Have you seen anything that was quite unique that someone has added into their ceremony that you would like to see more of?
That’s a good question. Some of my favorite rituals are things like a love letter box, where they sort of make a time capsule and put their vows and a bottle of wine in there with the plan of opening it up on their anniversary. One of the most unique rituals I’ve had that’s coming to mind right now was a couple who was into beers and microbreweries. They did a black and tan ceremony – where they had a light and dark beer plus a glass they made together in a glass blowing class. They worked together to make this black and tan beer. We wrote a custom ceremony with the language reflecting the light and dark sides of life, existing together – and all those things. It was really cool. I love when couples bring me new ideas.
My husband and I got married 10 years ago. We had a time capsule – with the bottle of wine, letters from important people and a Twinkie, because my husband swears Twinkies don’t expire. Each year, I look at it and wonder if we’ll open it yet, but we haven’t. I can’t bring myself to open those letters yet. But it’s beautiful to know it’s there. One day we will sit down and open it together. So, it made me happy to hear that you like that tradition.
I think it is because my husband and I also have that tradition. It’s a holdover and a steal from church, because we did get married in the church. Our priest was very little more laid back, and he had this idea that he said to us when we were planning our ceremony. He told us about a week before the ceremony to go to a nice dinner and write each other a letter about everything that’s about to happen. On your first anniversary, write another. Keep them in a box and that’s what we’ve done for 17 years. His hope was that we’d one day bequeath the box to our children, and they’d open the wine and read the letters. I’ve sort of stolen that idea and passed it onto my clients. We’re creating a tradition that will slowly collect the love story of your life – so you can reflect on it. And, you can pass it down.
That’s beautiful. I love that we could sit here all day long talk about what we’ve seen and give our listeners some little tips.
What are some things that really need to be in the ceremony? Is there anything required to make it a legal ceremony?
In different states there are slightly different tweaks. But in general, what’s basically required is your declaration of intent and your vows. That’s basically a moment in which the officiant is stating to the couple, “this is marriage. You want to do this” then getting that verbal assertion from them. You’ll see that happen in a variety of ways. The additional part is them getting to exchange more personal vows – but that’s not necessary in order to legally marry someone. Then, at the end, it’s pronouncing the couple married, signing their marriage license and returning it to the proper authority. So, what’s great is that there’s really very little actually required. That means there’s so much room for us to play.
I’m so glad we asked that question! Can you tell me more about the trend that’s happening with friends being an officiant?
Yeah, the term we’re trying to coin is “guest officiant”, or a person that the couple has asked to officiate the wedding – like a friend or family member. In a lot of states, it’s legal as long as the person goes online and gets some sort of ordainment. The trend is literally increasing year after year. For a long time, I figured it had to do with paying one less vendor. But, surprisingly, that doesn’t really have a lot to do with it. It’s more that the couple wants that person – they want to honor them, and have that honor go beyond just a reading or being in the wedding party. I think they also want something more personal and feel like that’s the only way they can do it.
I’ve heard so many times when I polled various brides and Facebook groups that idea of “we don’t think we’ll get something personal with a “stranger”” and that word is used very often. They think they can only get a personalized ceremony from a sister or friend or college roommate. I’ve also heard people say they just want someone they know in the photos with them too! We can understand all those reasons and still feel like it’s a tough pill to swallow, because we’re losing business.
Any other thoughts on guest officiants?
Well, initially, when this trend started, I noticed a lot when I was doing wedding shows, and I’d ask the people coming up if they’d booked the officiant. They’d share that they’re using their brother or whoever and my stomach would sink. I tried talking them out of it, honestly. I’d remind them it’s a big responsibility and a big ask, try to find out if they’ve done it before and if they had the legal credentials to sign a marriage license. Mostly what I asked them was why they wanted to go that route. Sometimes they just want that person, and there’s nothing we can do to replace that. I can be the best person in the world, but I’m not that person, so I can’t replace that.
I agree there’s a lot of reasons, and this is a very big generalization. But, couples look at their ceremony as a very special part of the day. They’re the ones who know it’s important and why they’re there. Bringing someone in who is important can elevate their ceremony.
What are some of the concerns you have with guest officiants?
I think that with talking with photographers and other professionals, one of the biggest is that they now have to take on the role of helping get guests to stand and sit at the right times. The responsibilities of being a wedding officiant are two-fold. It’s not just writing a ceremony or speaking a ceremony. It is the logistics behind the ceremony.
Absolutely. And I’m not trying to tell people not to use a guest officiant. I just want people to understand all the hats officiants wear.
Yeah, people don’t know where to move during photos or to tell the bride to hand over her bouquet. There’s just these parts of the ceremony that just end up not being seamless when you have that guest officiant.
One of the big ones that came up recently was being able to troubleshoot and pivot in the moment. This happened to me last summer. Outdoor ceremonies in the summer can have messed up weather. But, you have those situations where the coordinator or planner or even myself, telling the couple to think about moving things indoors. I had a bride once where I had to tell her we could pull out two long readings and get the ceremony done before the weather hit, which worked out. But someone had to come up with that idea and troubleshoot in the moment.
And again, I don’t want to knock the trend.
Oh no, not me either.
I do want to also say that another thing that we see a lot of is at the end of the day, you may not want to be intimately involved with the writing of your ceremony, because you just have a lot of other stuff going on, or there’s a surprise element. But when you have a guest officiant, they might be a beautiful writer, or they might be somebody that’s amazingly close to you, but they might not appropriately write something. Sometimes, because there’s a comfortability, they think that a certain joke or story or it might go over well, and it just doesn’t. Or a lot of times, they talk about themselves a lot more like because at the end of the day, this is your relationship with that person. It becomes a triangle versus a couple.
Yeah, if I can touch on that for a second. So that is my operation. The way I do my businesses, I custom write everything, and couples have approval that some officiants don’t do that. I do allow my couples to read everything that I’m going to write, and we still do get that special moment because they forget what I’m going to say. But I feel as personal as I get with them, I don’t want to cross the line to share something that I wasn’t supposed to. So, if you have someone as a guest officiant, I’ll remind couples to approve what your officiant writes – so there’s no chances they put an inside joke in there that really shouldn’t be shared in front of 150 people or something like that. So I definitely think that very specifically, with a friend you should know what the content is going to be.
Yeah, and I’ll tell you – I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, but I’ve seen enough times where it’s awkward because something wasn’t shared beforehand.
How are you and your fellow officiants coping with this trend?
Well, a lot of us are choosing to answer this problem with a solution, which is just to coach these individuals. It’s always been like my personal philosophy to always meet a couple with solutions. So now, when I meet that bride or that couple who says we’re going to use my friend or my brother, then I can immediately answer that with the idea of sitting and helping with them. That’s what I would recommend to any officiant and I would recommend to any couple – that coaching would make the process easier. There’s a lot of components that people need to know to officiate, and now we can help them.
What are some benefits of having the guest officiant?
I mean, I think it is a really beautiful honor to give to someone. I think we’ve said a couple of times, I really want to emphatically make it clear: I don’t have anything against this. When I became ordained with American Marriage Ministries, one of their core tenets is that you believe everyone has the right to have their marriage solemnized and legalized, and you and everyone has the right to choose who does that for them and right freedom of choice. I would love you to choose me, because I’ve decided to make this into a business or one of my colleagues. But if you don’t, that’s okay too, you know?
So I think the benefit is that you do have this really wonderful experience, and that you also have the opportunity to connect with your guest officiant through the process of developing a ceremony and writing it – on a deeper level. You get to grow your relationship and ask them questions you never got to ask in order to prepare for this unique experience.
Wrap Up Question
What are some key points that couples should be asking officiants, making sure that they’re inquiring with a professional company to ensure that their wedding day is absolutely perfect?
Take a moment to think to themselves what kind of ceremony they want, because that’s going to help them identify which officiant that they want to look into and what person that they want to interview.
They should also identify their budget as well, like you would with any wedding vendor.
There are a million options for every category. So in order to help you narrow that down, rely on referrals. If you’ve booked your wedding and you love your planner or you love your photographer, like ask your photographer who they’d recommend. It will take a lot of work off your plate.
Make sure you’re getting someone, whoever that is – a pro or a friend – that matches your style, what you want, how you want to feel, how you want the guests to feel. This sounds like a little bit of a counter intuitive thought, but your wedding ceremony is not for you. I mean, it is in the sense that you’re getting married, but you know your story, and so does everybody else. What it’s there for is your guests – these wonderful people, these friends and family that you love, to witness this thing happen to you. For all of that to be really successful, it has to be engaging. Everybody has to be in it with you, and if that’s the experience that you want to have, then you need to know that the person at the helm officiating is going to accomplish that for you.
What We Discussed
Meet Kathy (1:52)
Differences in Officiant Offerings (2:43)
Elements of a Wedding Ceremony (7:55)
Qualities of a Prepared Officiant (8:58)
Unique Ceremony Ideas (9:49)
Legal Requirements in a Wedding Ceremony (15:31)
Trend of Guest Officiants (17:24)
Pros and Cons of Guest Officiants (22:49)
Coaching for Guest Officiants (35:36)
Wrap Up Question (37:23)
Links Mentioned in the Episode
Find Ever After Ceremonies at Website | Instagram | Facebook | Etsy
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